Tuesday 25 September 2012

Lonely

I was reading  Johns post about being lonely today and it gave me pause for thought: do I get lonely here?

It was one of those things I did worry about when I made the move from living in the city of London to living in a fairly isolated part of Lancashire. I only knew a very small handful of people here and left behind 19 years of people in the South, but is loneliness something I feel?

As some of you may have gleaned, I have fairly reclusive tendencies, not very healthy I know, but I am perfectly content in my own company for the most part and rarely find myself at a loose end, even though sometimes I don't speak to anyone for a day or more. Call me a hermit. But I don't feel lonely.

London is possibly the loneliest place on the planet, full of people so wrapped up in their own lives that the barely cast a glance in any direction besides forward. It is a city that always gives you the impression that everyone else is having a good time (even though this is not true) when you are not. I lived in my last flat there for 6 years and didn't know any of the neighbours at all. I once sent a card to one of the new inhabitants of the block (the neighbour who lived next to me) just to say hello and welcome (I was feeling particularly warm and fuzzy at the time) and it went completely ignored. A year later he asked me out of the blue, if he could 'steal' my wifi internet for a couple of weeks as his was being reconnected. It was the first time we had spoken. I wanted to say 'no' so badly, but goodness prevailed and I let him. It was a small satisfaction that it turned out the signal wasn't strong enough for him to get it. This was the sum total of our contact.

Cities can give you an intense feeling of isolation, simply because you are surrounded by so many people, none of whom are interested in you.

Within a few days of living where I do now, I knew the names of most of my neighbours, and heard many times from many different people 'well if you need anything, just knock on our door'. It is very different.
Now perhaps these people are not yet 'friends', because our conversations have revolved around gardens and weather so far, but I know that they are good people and I enjoy the short conversations we have. I know that there is someone there if I get into trouble or need help with something and I know they are interested in me (partly because I am somewhat of an anomaly around here) but also because they are neighbourly.

Now, that is not quite the same thing as being lonely, but I can safely say that it is not really something I have experienced since coming here. Any contact I have with people, be it in a shop, or out for a walk, I find them friendly and ready for a chat should you wish to. If anything, I have more time on my hands than I did before,  as my trips away are intense then over. Peace, quiet and silence has always worked for me.


12 comments:

  1. That is what helps you not feel lonely I think, the fact you have 'another life' that is so intense. Once that intense period is over, you seem relieved to be back home and there is nothing wrong with that. I think you can even be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely. There is a difference between alone and lonely.

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  2. Dan, if you are comfortable in your own skin and happy with your own company you will not feel loneliness. And, as there are folk living nearby that are happy to be of help or give you the time of day then there is never the need to feel lonely at all. I think you have made a good choice to live the way you do. If it works for you don`t let anyone tell you otherwise!

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    1. dan
      I think some of the bloggers on my blog hit the nail on the head when they said that true lonliness is bloodyawful but many people mistake bordom with loneliness

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    2. You are quite right, never be bored. No idle hands and all that. A bit of landscape gardening never hurt anyone.

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    3. landscape gardening keeps the hands occupied...just wash your hands afterwards x

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  3. You've picked a good place to live Dan, folks up north are very welcoming. I am never lonely, after a lifetime of singledom I just get on with it. There have been times in the past when I have felt lonely, but I find keeping busy helps.

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  4. Glad to hear you have decent neighbours, they are worth their weight in gold.

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  5. Having made the move from south to north I'd have to agree people are more open and friendly up north. The curiosity about us as 'the people with funny accents' was a bit odd at first but we got used to it - we now find it nice to know people are looking out for you. I'd say you've made a good move.

    Tawney

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  6. I have lived in a small town all my life with everyone knowing everyone else so I have never really though about it. My childern did not like "everyone knowing them", when we had our shop in town and they would walk to Mobil I would get at least three phone calls "do you know your kid/kids are walking around town" (they were teenagers) and did not like it! You have given me a different look on cities, St Louis is within a 2 hour drive of me and I always looked at it that they were busy and happy, in comparison my life was a little "dull" maybe this is not the case.

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  7. Yes, boredom can be confused with loneliness. Of course the definition of boredom is open to interpretation as well. I mean, I don't think I've ever been bored in my life. Watching TV makes me not bored (even when nothing is on, I'm doing something). Reading a book is doing something. LIstening to music is activity. Cleaning out a drawer is moving around. Just keeping your mind going with some activity is enough to keep me from being bored and I never feel lonely. In fact I often enjoy my alone time. I know you are happy in your cottage, you are much like me, even the act of dreaming and planning makes one feel occupied and full. Speaking of full...how was the meal? :-)

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  8. What a good and thoughtful post. I think most of us here are hardy, self-sufficient types, and quite comfortable with who we are, and therefore not given to loneliness. I feel much more lonely in a city environment, especially in a group of people who are too much with the world of today and all its shallowness.

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  9. Loneliness is a state of mind. I have met people who are not only lonely but also terrified to be on their own, mainly due to ill health and what if's. It is quite understandable in that situation but I must admit that I would love to live as Dreamer does. She has a lovely cottage on a farm, near to a few people but not on top of each other and a small high street 5 miles away in case she "needs" people.

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